03/20/2012

Don't bro me if you don't know me, bro.

I figure three month's time warrants yet another NastyB blog post, right boys and girls? What is it that I've been up to in that time? Drinking mostly. Drinking and fucking. Actually mostly just drinking and fucking some times when people are drunk enough to think letting me fuck them is 'okay'. I just realized I wrote "people" in the last sentence, I clearly meant "hot chicks" I mean come on.

Within the last few months I've been doing a lot of soul searching and quite frankly I've come up empty. There is no soul, but there is a new can crusher that I bought and mounted on my wall that I think is clearly the sex. I also bought Game of Thrones season 1 and watched that a second time to prepare myself for the upcoming season 2 premiere, April 1st.

I've also been nice and busy moving and shit. Have you ever moved three times in one year? Probably not unless your dad is in the Army or something, but I have and let me tell you-- it's no picnic. I've left my beloved home of Greenpoint, Brooklyn and have since moved into a nice cozy spot way the fuck away from absolutely everything in a fun little place called Ridgewood, Queens. Why did I move, you may be asking? No reason really except for the fact that my landlord decided years ago to illegally split one large apartment into two apartments, one of which I moved into and had absolutely no idea of the situation. When Mr. Inspector came by and noticed that my apartment looked nothing like it does in the original plans, he then uncovered the fact that naughty baby (my landlord) did a no-no. He then demanded that we be evicted and that the apartment be returned to its original state. So I mean that happened so what.

After settling into my new apartment I bought a can crusher and mounted it on my wall (with screws, sicko) next to the refrigerator. You'd never think it, but this kicks ass. Check the picture HERE.  Clearly the picture is not clear, and that's because I took it with my 1.0 megapixel Blackberry camera.

Lastly, I am so hungover today. Grammyman is back, you can read (and reply to) the GM's latest Craiglist post HERE (or HERE if Craigs List removes it, which they will).

01/21/2012

Hello everyone, it's been awhile.

Like a long while.  And those of you that actually read this have given me some shit.  Let me apologize completely, I am sorry for my lack of updates.  Truth be told, I've been so completely involved in my own life that I haven't had time for this nonsense.  And I don't mean that in a bad way, I mean I really have just had so much fucking bullshit to deal with that I don't have time to sit here and type this crap.

But guess what bitch, I'm typing it now, so I'm going to catch up on all the shit I should have been bitching about for months.  Where do I even begin?

Would my few readers like to know how my life fell apart completely this new year?  Yeah it didn't take long, and it hit hard.  It starts actually last year when I tried to send my mom her $100 gift card from Best Buy in the mail around December 25.  She never gets it.  Concerned, I call Best Buy and they are so sympathetic that they send her a new one.  Weird thing is, she never gets the new one.  So now I call them again and now they want her to pick it up from the store.  Fine, but I still haven't gotten that confirmation and all my poor mom wants is to get a new computer and use this gift certificate toward it.  Shit, how shitty.

That aside, the department of education decides that not only do I owe them checks, but they can take random withdraws from my bank account as well.  So I have to fight this, and it takes weeks before I finally get this rectified and put back into my account.  Third, I'm evicted from my apartment because my landlord apparently made an illegal split with the top apartment so now I have to find a new place within 40 days.  Fucking cool, right?

As some of you might know, I go to the gym.  I TRY so hard to be in good shape, but as I go to ride my bike there the other night it dawns on me instantly that the chain has been stolen from my bike.  Who the fuck does that.  Who does that ever.  That is basically stealing for the sake of stealing.

To add insult to injury I also have student loan organizations mailing my boss telling him he has to take money from my checks to pay for student loans.  Sadly for them, I get the mail.  I also answer the phones.  You can't avoid me faggots, I am invincible.  I own you.  Next time you call and I tell you I'm dead you should just fucking believe it.

I hope everyone is having a great new year, and I must say that despite that crazy shit I am unrealistically optimistic.  It is my nature, I try to stay positive.  Keep trucking fuckholes, keep in touch.

12/11/2011 - Court

Friday was the day of all days - got to work my regular double shift with a little bit of court peppered in for the fuck of it.

I live in Brooklyn, and work in Manhattan daily while supplementing in a bar gig doing security in Williamsburg on Fridays.  This last Friday was particularly fun because at 2PM I had a scheduled court date to deal with my open alcohol container infraction I received awhile back (you can find my hate-filled rant somewhere else on this forum regarding that incident) with my good pal TrannyRosebud TheFelchbot.

Mind you, nothing outrageously crazy happened at court.  I got there early like a good boy should and followed the standard protocol: I talked to the clerk, got my little slip to fill out, waited in line, entered the courtroom and sat down, then waited patiently for my name to get called.

Those that follow me on Twitter (@Nastybedazzler) are probably already aware that I would have won the "Best Dressed at Court" award should one have existed, and all I was wearing was a red shirt with a stripe across the chest.  Cool right?  Everybody else was wearing jerseys or baggy Looney Tunes shirts or something else equally retarded along with baseball caps that they were asked to remove.  I also would have won "Whitest guy in court aside from the police", but only because everyone that wasn't me was black as fuck.  TrannyRosebud (TRBTFB from now on) and I must have lost the genetic lottery that fateful evening when we got our tickets.

Keep in mind that at this point I was by myself, TRBTFB was nowhere to be found.  I got a text from him much earlier saying that he was lost and that he was still trying to find the place.  Finally the process started when the judge entered the room.  This judge was hysterical to behold and didn't look honorable by any means.  He was old (probably early to mid 60s), balding, had a grey mustache, was wearing a brown vest with a bow tie, and pants with patches on the knees.  Two days later TRBTFB reflected back that the judge looked like something you would see in a Werthers candy commercial, giving the gift of toffee candy to some little faggot kid.

Shit man I just spilled Cinnamon Toast Crunch everywhere.

So anyway the entire court thing started and they would call people up, most of the folks there had simple alcohol related infractions like I did and, almost like you would find on a game show or a live auction, the judge would call out the sweet deal that they could get by pleading guilty before they even reached the stand.

"Twenty-five dolleeeerrrrzzzzzz".  It was almost comical, like those approaching the bench should act quickly to secure the deal.  Most people took the deal, aside from those that didn't speak english, they really didn't know what the fuck was going on.  That was also comical.

Anyway, an hour into this and neither I nor TRBTFB were called, but no matter because TRBTFB still wasn't there.  About an hour and a half later he shows up and sits down next to me, then makes a stupid joke about how they'll call him next which they then did.  I was somewhat pissed.  I originally brought a candybar for my good pal that we would eat together after court while laughing about how silly it all was, though after that bullshit I kept it for myself.

TrannyRoseBud plead guilty and got his $25 fine and walked out.  About 40 minutes or so later there was about 10 of us left in the court room.  It's at this time everyone got confused because apparently all the names off the list were called up so the court staff assumed we all came on the wrong day.  After giving them our licenses and them doing some processing they began calling people up again and finally I got my chance.  My entire interaction with the judge lasted five seconds, I plead guilty and peaced out.  TRBTFB was already gone as fuck at that time, so I paid my fine and then went back to work.

After work I went home, did some crap, then went back to work doing security for the remainder of the day.  Unfortunately for those of you reading this nothing really exciting took place working the door.  I essentially just sat around being tired for 8 1/2 hours then went home.  And on Saturday night I got raped.

Just kidding, but here's a picture of a weird doll.

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11/29/2011

Well it's been awhile, hasn't it dear readers?  The NastyBedazzler blog has experienced a short hiatus though I assure you I am still alive and doing better than before.

Just tonight I was watching porn and this video struck me as particularly amusing.  So much so, in fact, that I began cracking up hysterically mid-jizz.  Typically these sort of distractions are unwelcome at times like these but even though my experience sexually was ruined, my experience emotionally was grand.  I can't force anybody to click on the following link and start the video at the 29:25 mark (let it go at least 30 seconds), but for those of you who dare I have to assure you that it is 100% NSFW... not like you'd give a shit.

Watch the bullshit Here.  Bon a petit, pervert.

I find lots of porn to be amusing, I may have to do this more often.  Wanna know something else I find even more amusing?  Weird tips and tricks.  What's up with all these ads these days that advertise weird tricks or some bullshit about "mom discovers one strange tip to a bigger dick".  Who is falling for this crap?  Porn ads in general are classic.  I'll make my case:

Here
Here (The porn industry is PISSED about this one, apparently)
Here
Here
and Here

Oops, that last one was just because I love you, however, weird tricks do kick so much ass.

On a side note, despite my blog appearing very bleak these days you can catch me tweeting my stupid fucking ass off all day long on that one Twitter site.  Really, follow my shit @nastybedazzler.

Lastly, and I don't give a fuck what anybody says, anyone that ever describes a piece of roast beef as "fall-off-the-bone delicious" is a total jackass.  There's just no way around it.

That's all for now.  Maybe I got my mojo back and I can post more on this because it obviously has so much potential to be the greatest thing ever.  More Grammy Man in the works as well

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10/31/2011 Revisited

Just like always, I started writing this October 23rd, only to abandon it and resume it today (Halloween). Therefore, some of it is outdated but like I give a crap.  Like I even give a fucking crap.

I just returned from my trip to "jackoff city" moments ago.  Maybe it's my old age, or maybe I'm getting senile but it's almost impossible for me to not laugh hysterically when I'm ejac'ing from watching porn.  Like a switch getting flipped, whatever I'm watching either becomes instantly insanely funny to me or absolutely horrendous depending on what it is.

Saturday night I went out drinking for the first time in weeks.  Looks like my tolerance for alcohol is pretty low these days as I passed out at the bar (and have pictures to prove it).  I was also told that I was trying to do push ups in the highway and wanted to climb the BQE (a highway/bridge hybrid).  I don't remember the last parts, but it is becoming clear to me how I lost my watch a month ago because I took my new watch off while I was wasted and left it at the bar.  Lucky for me, my brother snagged it up and gave it back to me the following day.  What the fuck is wrong with me.

Earlier in the evening I was at the bar I work at playing pinball.  That was fine, and after that I went to a Cramps/Misfits cover band show.  Halloween is a real whore, I hate it.  I want it to be over immediately.

Now it's back to work and I'm STILL hungover from Saturday.  It feels like the Grammy Man can't be contained for much longer, I might have to make a new Craigs List post some time in the near future to solicit some strange sexual adventures in Times Square.  After all, the Grammy Man does hate having a dry dick.

Last, check out this sweet consultation request we got at work today.  Apparently, Jacquil is looking to do some raping: http://localhostr.com/files/tViNI33/Raper.png


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10/16/2011

As per usual, over the weekend I wrote this while working security at my Williamsburg bar on a Friday.  Now it's Sunday, but it has to go up at some point.  It's interesting to note that after I wrote this and while closing the bar I got in a fight with some drunk guy when all I was TRYING to do was play pinball before the bar closed and we all went home.  Oh well, I guess that's why they pay me well.  

Is anybody else stoked for the season premiere of Walking Dead tonight?  The NastyBedazzler certainly is, Sundays now are very busy with television that I obviously have to watch, namely Dexter, Walking Dead, Breaking Bad (season just finished), and Boardwalk Empire.  And with Castle, Adventure Time, and Bored to Death all on Monday I'm going to be stuck watching this bullshit all next week.

Does that make you feel cool?  I feel cool right now.  I'm going to make my body feel super cool in about twenty minutes.  On to Friday's post:

*****

Where's your head at?  WHERE'S YOUR HEAD AT?  WHERE'S YOUR HEAD AT?

Here I sit on this wooden stool, policing the drunk Williamsburg crowd and hating my life completely.  WHERE'S YOUR HEAD AT?  Goddamn that song kicks so much butt I love it.

A friend of mine just texted me.  This is what the conversation looked like:

Her: If i ever leave these ducks, i'll come visit.

Me: I have no idea what means.  Ducks?  Are you feeding ducks at the park

Me: Are they beautiful

Her: Haha. No I mean FUCKs.

Autocorrect is stupid, I bet she has an iPhone.  Those phones are completely overrated, I have a Blackberry but if I got a new phone I'd get a Droid.  How about THAT?

Finally, reviews are spilling in from the Fuckboi video. Here's some choice comments for your ass:

"Dicks are awesome"

"I didn't make it longer than the 16 seconds mark."

"dude, seriously? get lost. this is the worst shit ever."

"I couldn't make it through the song the first time I heard it. The video really helped. I hope this guy chokes."

"Holy shit, man. Holy frigging shit."

"this song makes me think he wants to have sex with guys but then also hates faggots."

"So wait, what was that? Help!"

"This is my go-to jam when I am writing FAG and RAPE all over my body in the dark with permanent markers."

"I believe I have just been TACO'D."

*****

If you have yet to view it, visit HERE.  Leave a comment, subscribe to my page, all that shit.

The video must be having the desired effect because people are unfollowing me on Twitter in droves.  I was half expecting the complete opposite of that but whatevs.  If you unfollowed me and seek redemption you can always find me @nastybedazzler

That's it for now.  Until the next time I do something stupid and feel like talking about it here, have a great week, freaks.

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10/11/2011 - Fuckboi video is LIVE!

The Fuckboi video is finished and POSTED.  Click the link below to check that shit out.  Tell your friends, freaks.

Check Fuckboi out on YouTube

Let the backlash begin.  I'll probably lose my job, my family will disown me, all that good stuff, but it was completely worth it.  The video kicks ass.
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10/09/2011 - Fuckboi Video is FINISHED

That's right, finished.  Done.  It's finally over.  I thought I'd die before I finished this thing.

I gotta get around to putting this on YouTube and then the real work can begin.  Right well, that's it for now.  I'm gonna watch another episode of Boardwalk Empire then pass out.
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10/08/2011

Awww shit, not even a Saturday night can slow down The Grammy Man.  New Craigs List ad posted, and you wanna read it because naturally it's funny as fuck.

Go HERE to visit the blog, or go HERE to see it straight-up on Craigs List (although expect this link to be taken down in a week or two)

Aside from The Grammy Man, you're probably wondering what The NastyBedazzler has been up to.  Actually you're probably not but fuck you I'm going to tell you anyway.

I've been working way too much, drinking way too much, and watching Boardwalk Empire not nearly enough.  I watched half of the first season when it first aired and found it boring so I stopped watching it.  I decided to give it another go and now find myself enjoying the shit out of that show.  Why I didn't like it at first is beyond me but whatever man fuck you.

I also cut my face about fifteen times shaving today so what the hell is the story with that?  I've got blood all over my face and I don't even give a fuck, it's close enough to Halloween so I should fit right in, not to mention this is New York City so like anybody at all is going to even give a second thought to what happened to me today.  But seriously, I need to get it together.  This kind of shaving action is entirely inappropriate.

I also styled my hair to go out and get a vegetable omelet.  Why I did that I have no idea because now I have shit in my hair and I hate every second of it.

Last night I worked security at the bar and for the first time in awhile the night was incident free.  Even so, I am personally putting out a plea to all the hipsters out there to please come back to Williamsburg, it was so nice being able to throw people out that are 10x pussier than I am.

That's it for today.  Follow me on Twitter @nastybedazzler and email nastybedazzler@gmail.com if you feel like it.
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10/06/2011 - Revenge of Grammy Man

The absence of The Grammy Man has been felt by many, and today I would like to announce his triumphant return to Craigs List in true form.

See it on Craigs List HERE
If that gets flagged and deleted, check the Grammy Man blog HERE

Seriously, if this doesn't start getting him laid soon his dick will probably explode.
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10/04/2011

I wrote this on Friday and dragged my feet putting it up because I've been dedicating all my spare time to drinking alcohol.  This weekend saw me get the most wasted I've been in awhile (sorry AwesomeBlowJob McOrgyDirector, I'll make it up to you) and upon trying to walk myself home I apparently did three things: lost my watch, lost my headphones, and fell directly on my shoulder turning it completely black and splotchy.  Alcohol is bad folks, but also very good at making you not remember your past follies.

Anyway, for your reading pleasure I have decided to go ahead and post this blog regardless of the fact it is now four days expired in the "relevant" category.  Also, for anyone out there looking for an exotic massage please email me at nastybedazzler@gmail.com or follow me on Twitter @nastybedazzler.  Read on:

****

Well well well. Long time no see people.  There seems to have been a short hiatus between my last posts, something I tonight aim to rectify.

So what has the NastyB been up to lately?  Well for starters- not working.  Yes, these last two days (Thursday and Friday) I have been blessed by the Jews as I've been allowed not to work on their most sacred holiday of Rash Hashanah.  This is the music industry after all, but I'll take any holiday they throw at me.

But this holiday hasn't prevented me from working security at the bar tonight, which is most unfortunate only because this job sucks fucking ass.

What else have I been up to?  Well, aside from contemplating suicide (LOL) I've been drinking my ass off and watching some ultra shitty reruns of that old 90s show Earth 2.  I seemed to remember it being good but I assure you its not.  Followers on my Twitter have probably noticed some seriously retarded posts lately, rest assured that those are simply Earth 2 quotes and definitely not something I'm capable of

devising on my own.

About two weeks ago I cut my own hair, something I should never do again considering all the awful negatories I get from everyone regarding it.  That being said I'll be cutting it again tomorrow. (note: I've cute it since then, it turned out amazing).

I've been able to find two porno relics from my past on some random torrent sites this past week-- Raging Passions and Ambushed.  I used to watch these as a kid and totally love every second of it.  Raging Passions at this time is now being brought to us by the kind folks at Mega-Boobs.com (may not be an accurate address) and it totally makes sense that it should be.  All the girls in this movie have implants bigger than my face that I guess were considered just "really cool" in the 90s.  Ambushed features Rom Jeremy as Saddam Hussein so that's pretty interesting. Is it "too soon" to be talking about this?

*****

Anyway, now I'm back at work and fighting off a mad hangover.  <3 u fukkers, we'll get together real soon.

P.S. - Any ladies wanna go on a date?  I live in NYC and find myself newly widowed.
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09/22/2011

Guess who just got a ticket for an Open Alcohol Container in NYC?  This bird right here motherfuckers.  And guess what, I'm not even happy about it one bit my friends.

My hot bud, TrannyRosebud TheFelchBot and I were sitting around the corner from some bar (punk show was happening) drinking down some ultra-classy JOOS when this police car comes "zipping" right up to us at the speed of light and the two rudest cops in the history of police exit the vehicle and run right at me.

In the nicest possible way, one of the cops (I think he was 13) tried to grab the drink out of my hand and so naturally I pulled it away and was like "what the hell man"?  I was totes brown bagging that shit, and TrannyRosebud didn't even have a beer in his hand.

Here's my impression of this faggot cop: "GIVE ME THE FUCKING BEER OR YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL."  His butt buddy next to him was playing good cop with me suggesting that "I should listen to him".  Yeah I probably really should man I'd hate for it to get ugly… that cop is cR@Zy!!!!!  I gave him the beer and, without even looking at what it was, he dumps it out and throws it on the ground.

Now, I'm no pussy and I will suck and fuck anybody that is reading this right now.  Anyway, they take my license and go into the cop car and were in there for like ten or fifteen minutes.  They also took TrannyRosebud's license though I'm not entirely sure because his beer was capped and in a black bag on the ground next to the wall.

Before these two total queers get out of the car (I imagine they were kissing, and doing their hair because their hair was fucking PERFECT let me just tell you) BACKUP arrives.  BACKUP.  For The NastyB and TrannyRosebud I guess you can't afford to take chances with us because we're just completely nuts.

I figured this entire time that I was going to jail.  I told TRBTFB to call my work the next day and let them know what happened if I end up getting arrested.  Instead, all that happens is they come out and give me a ticket for $25.  TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS.  Okay fine that's not shit, but dude they gave TrannyRosebud a ticket and that dude didn't do shit.  That just chaps my hide my friends.

Also, I fucking hate Renaissance Fairs.  Fuck Renaissance Fairs.  I've been angry with people lately so in order to make myself feel better I went ahead and posted a new Grammy Man on Craigs List yesterday.  It's funny, read it below.

Read the Grammy Man Post On Craigs List Here
Read it on the Grammy Man blog (in case the CL one goes down)

'Til next time friends, stay true to each other and just be really strong for each other and guys.
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09/16/2011

So my pal AwesomeBlowjob McOrgyDirector and myself decided that we would make our own version of True Blood using the resources available to us: paper, plastic knives, and tape.  We tried to pack as much True Blood absurdity into it as possible in two minutes, so here is the result:

True Blood's Sexiest Scene

Heads up freaks, this video sucks balls but still makes me laugh.  Have a good weekend if you don't hear from me before next week.  And follow me on Twitter: @nastybedazzler
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09/15/2010 - The Grammy Man Cometh (literally)

Small update today.  New Grammy Man post added on Craigs List.  Check below to read, both the original CL link and the one to the Grammy Man blog both included in case the CL one expires.

Craigs List
Grammy Man Blog

Have as much fun with that as you can, kids.  Until next time, have yourselves a real great evening.
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09/14/2011

Welcome to the latest edition of the NastyBedazzler Talks Mad Shit.  I've got some interesting news to report as tonight marks the first time my new punk band (I'll be playing drums) will have an official practice.  Not sure if we are going to call it NastyBedazzler or not, but probably not.   I of course, will continue to use the name as my pseudonym in the band-- if not only to appear cooler than I really am.

I also just received today my limited edition (1000 copies) Lamb of God double vinyl set of New American Gospel, which is easily my favorite album by these guys.  In case you aren't aware or care, this is their first album as Lamb of God and this shiz is raw as F.  I still like these dudes, but I can't really say that I love anything they've done since Ashes of the Wake (which was still amazing). 

Here's some images:

Front

Inside

To the three or four loyal readers that are here, let me apologize for my lack of updates.  I usually post these at work but so far I have been so completely busy day in and day out babysitting that I have been unable to either write or be in a humorous enough mood to write something worth reading.   

That being said, I guess the news of the band and the new vinyl lifted my spirits enough to put my beer down and actually fucking write something, but that's not to say that I've been completely inactive…

Here is the update I intended to post over the weekend last week while working my door job at the bar but got so completely busy with drinking that I couldn't find the time.  So now for your enjoyment, last weeks installment (way late.) --

As I write this I am sitting at the bar doing door duty and I

want to kill myself.  If all of these people died right now I'd be

completely fine... happy, even.

Here is a video of the best crying man ever.

There are millions of mosquitoes eating me alive right now.  I'm a huge gigantic pussy so obvi this is really affecting the overall mood of my night.  Yesterday I got two new pairs of sweet sneakers.  Pardon the picture quality, my phone has the shittiest low-res camera on earth.

Tell me these aren't fly as fuck.  I dare you.

Lastly, let me wrap this up by telling you some folks to follow on Twitter:

@NastyBedazzler (me)

So start following them ASAP.

---- This ends last weeks post.  And again, some more new crap ------

Okay so this week I definitely have plans to work on the Fuckboi video and would like to get that wrapped up.  I'm not trying to pull a George RR Martin but holy shit this is taking a long time to finish.  It's almost to the point of ridiculous.  We'll get there, maybe I just need to take some drugs to make me focus.

Peace out, fellas.

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09/03/2011

Let's start with Spirit Instrumental, this kid is a fucking genius - haterz gon' hate LOL.

Some of you may have noticed that my past Grammy Man posts on Craigs

List are no longer accessible but I digress, I have posted these up

permanently elsewhere to echo on the Grammy Man legacy long into

eternity.  The previous posts have now been updated with the new links,

however for your convenience and viewing pleasure I have compiled all

of these bitches so far below:

• The Grammy Man and AwesomeBlowjob McOrgyDirector Looking to Bang

• The Grammy Man and AwesomeBlowjob McOrgyDirector At It Again! :0

• The Grammy Man and Friends Looking 4 Twat

Go enjoy that, and LOLz your goddamned retarded ass off.

Today is Saturday at 8PM and I'm sitting in my room naked by myself, listening to old Haujobb (Freeze Frame Reality).  So you might be thinking to yourself, "Damn, this guy sounds like a loser."  If that was your thought I'd like to let you know that I wouldn't disagree with you at all.

I kinda did have plans to hang out with some dudes from Long Island that I now have a feeling have been cancelled due to lack of motivation.  Last night I got really wasted (seriously, seriously wasted) and for no reason at all felt like watching Jason Goes to Hell.  To reiterate how wasted I was, I will let you know that I fell asleep at my computer with a glass of whiskey in my hand and woke up in a puddle of whiskey on my bed.  Do you believe me now?

I bought hot sauce online (see two paragraphs up where I discuss the fact that I'm a loser), one of which is this bad boy right here on Amazon.  That is Melinda's Naga Jolokia Hot Sauce, made with the hottest pepper in the world-- the ghost pepper.  While it's not the hottest thing I've ever eaten (Blazin' sauce from Buffalo Wild Wings might be) it does actually make it feel like your insides are melting… almost like having ebola.  If you like hot stuff and want to cry tears of blood I suggest you try this shit, and yeah I know I'm a huge loser.

This wraps up todays session.  I'll probably start drinking now so I can time travel right into tomorrow. 

And on a final note,  follow my seriously prime ass on Twitter (@nastybedazzler), tell your friends to follow me on Twitter, RT everything I say on Twitter and @ mention me in every single post you make (on Twitter).  Go LIKE my Facebook page to make me a happy little girl, and I will blow anyone that buys the Psychosexual Fuckboi EP from iTunes or Bandcamp (or Amazon or anywhere else I might have it available.)
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09/01/2011 - Edited and Revised

*Edit- Jesus Christ was I high when I first wrote this yesterday? Anyway, I've gone through and corrected about 80 stupid errors. Read on and enjoy my friends.

Walking through Times Square was never one of my favorite things to do, yet I have to do it every day.  Essentially, this area is like walking around a crazy zoo where all the electric locks became deactivated and all the animals were running around untethered (think Jurassic Park).  I hate it.  I hate it a lot.

This week my pals, along with my good friend AwesomeBlowjob McOrgyDirector (ABMOD) were walking around trying to find a cheap bar offering good drink specials (2 for 1 specials abound in this neighborhood) to whet our whistles.  What we found instead were the three kings of crazy within a five minute timespan.  Let's talk about them for a moment.

The first incident occurred by the subway station as we waited at a red light.  My friends and I were smoking cigarettes trying to look cool when a weird freak stops one inch from the side of my face and mean mugs my shit hard for about five seconds without talking.  I turn and ask him, "What's up dude?" He then snarls at me and responds, "Yo, you got 'nother one of those cigarettes," in the rudest possible way.  I tell him no, then he looks at my bud and says, "What about him, he got a cigarette?"  My friend told him he didn't and the guy walked away like an asshole… because he WAS an asshole.  At least say please, sheeeiiiiiit.

The second incident occurred about two blocks down, when a dude gets off a bus and charges into everybody he can.  He shoulder checks ABMOD and claps his hands out in front of him and yells out "EXCUSE ME!"  Then we hear him walking down the street behind us and, every time he shoulder checks another pedestrian, he yells out "EXCUSE ME!"  As we continued to walk we heard this guy far down the street being totally crazy.  I wish somebody would've grown some balls (definitely not us) and clocked this piece of crap.

The last incident occurred half a block down.  We weren't even close to being over the EXCUSE ME guy when we came across the last king of crazy.  In front of us were a group of pigeons and this guy was gleefully dancing in the middle of the pigeons like a ballet dancer, flailing his arms and legs around while kicking the pigeons.  He was cursing at the birds, apparently he just really hates pigeons

So remember folks, Times Square is fucking lame and you should probably avoid it.  This is why I live in Brooklyn.

And oh yeah, new Grammy Man post.  If anybody has any ideas of things they'd like to see me post on Craigs List don't be afraid to send me a fun little email at nastybedazzler@gmail.com.

Grammy Man post, bitch: http://thegrammyman.blogspot.com/2011/09/grammy-man-and-friends-looking-4-twat.html
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08/29/2011

So I'm sitting around listening to Jesus Jones' "Right Here, Right Now" and something came to me: I feel like totes shit today.  Last night I ordered some thai food (that was actually very delicious), I got the Kaeng Pa with vegetarian duck-- extra spicy, and today there is a war zone going on inside my body.

Let's talk about something other than my shitty stomach at the moment.  Let's talk about hurricane Irene that we just dealt with over the weekend.  Hurricane Irene can lick my ass.  The damage to Brooklyn and Manhattan was minimal, which is a good, though there are reports of my friends living in a total shitheap right now and without power.  Good luck with all that guys, I was angry enough simply by the MTA train shutdown over the weekend.

We had what I dubbed a "hurricane party" on Saturday, which involved mostly drinking (I actually got super fucked up) and watched the movie Troll 2.  For those of you that have never seen this little gem from the early '90s I would strongly urge you to check it out.  You can see the IMDB info for it HERE.  In a nutshell it's about a young protagonist by the name Joshua who has a dead grandpa following him around (without any explanation) trying to stop his family from eating this green shit that turns them into goblins.  That's right, GOBLINS.  There are no trolls in this entire movie, and it makes no sense why eating a green donut would turn you into a goblin.  

And let's not forgot the odd side story about a witch that lives in the woods that turns people into trees.  I'm not entirely sure what the writers were thinking but this movie is terrible on a new level.  Go download this and watch I implore you.

Finally, this coming weekend is Labor Day weekend which will most likely consist of me getting wasted yet again for an extra day.  Gotta love that.  I'm peacing out right now, hope to get back on the ball with this shit soon enough-- I just need to be around my computer more often when I'm wasted, and with the hurricane weekend I wasn't around at all.  

In the mean time, do yourself a favor and check out THIS picture of my choosing.
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08/24/2011

It would seem now that I have a daily ritual.  The Grammy Man (AKA The NastyBedazzler) and AwesomeBlowjob McOrgyDirector have created yet another Craigs List ad in an effort to entice the ladies into coming out to Times Square to get their shit ruined.  

Since my last post from yesterday, many people have asked me if this is a real listing and if we're trying to nail chicks while we're at work.  The answer is yes it's a real listing but IT IS a joke, and no we are not trying to nail chicks while we're at work (although that hasn't stopped them from responding to my ads and sending me pretty interesting pictures).  Some people have real problems, man.  Click the link but be warned: it's foul.

http://thegrammyman.blogspot.com/2011/09/grammy-man-and-awesomeblowjob.html

On a completely unrelated note Michale Graves is going to be playing a show in Brooklyn tonight at a place called Club Europa.  Guess who's going?  I am, motherfuckers, and it's going to rule.  I'm not really sure if I know any of the opening bands but who cares, Graves is the man.  I'll post details about the show either late tonight or tomorrow.

Finally, work has been fucking insane today.  Right now I'm on the phone with someone that is crying and telling me not to tell anyone that she is contacting us.  Apparently her lawyers have just advised her that she needs to lay low for the next three weeks and then she can call us back again.  Also, her grandfather was apparently famous, her bank accounts are frozen, her grandmother just died, and when she Google's her name with our company she comes up and needs us to be extremely discreet with who we tell that we're working with her (even though we're not working with her, she just called us today).  Pretty crazy, I should think.

The toilet broke on our floor and the only way to flush it is to essentially dropkick the handle.  Well, after taking a shit and seriously needing to flush the toilet I braced myself on the sink to prepare for my dropkick of death when the sink came right off the wall and got busted to shit.  Whoopsies.  Photo evidence HERE.

What a wonderful Wednesday, peace out!
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08/23/2011

08/23/2011

Sometimes at work my budz and I will peruse the sexy section of Craigs List looking for some hawt posts.  As none of these seem to satiate my lust for absolute absurdity, I've begun posting my own under the moniker "The Grammy Man".  Why The Grammy Man you ask?  Because it's fucking funny.  Check the post below.

http://thegrammyman.blogspot.com/2011/09/grammyman-and-awesomeblowjob.html
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08/23/2011

Here we are, it's Tuesday.  Tuesday is dick-sucking day so I've heard, though I guess I haven't been able to really wrap my head (or lips LOL) around that one.  Also, there was just an earthquake in NYC and everybody is going apeshit over it.  Also because of my website restrictions I've had to create a Blogger site to store every one of my posts, this page will only be able to display the newest.  

I just watched AwesomeBlowjob McOrgyDirector eating peanut butter off of a knife and I gotta say it was a wicked turned on.  Honestly, I haven't been this turned on since I saw the ICP DVD, "Juggalettes Gone Wicked".

So my weekend consisted of only a few things: working and drinking a lot.  Friday night I worked the door shift (which you can read about in the blog post before this one), Saturday I woke up late as shit and hung out with some good pals (and got wasted), then Sunday I went to a bar in Brooklyn to hook up with the same pals and my ex girlfriend happened to be there.  JUST HAPPENED TO BE THERE.  Holy shit, with odds like these I should start playing the lottery because fuck that noise.  New York CIty is an unbelievably large place, who would've thunk it.  

Also, I watched the new Breaking Bad and True Blood.  If anybody follows my Twitter (some of you might?) you'd know that my attitude towards True Blood is turning fairly negative.  It's gotten so completely out of hand with witches, faeries, vampires, werewolves, shifters, skinwalkers, possessions, whatever.  It's gotten a little out of hand, it's hard to keep track of all the copious amounts of gay that is taking place nonstop. 

That aside, Breaking Bad was solid as per usual.  I love that show.  For anyone not watching I guess my retarded advice to you would be to watch it, though that is obvious since I keep ranting and raving about it.
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8/20/2011 | 5:30AM

Jesus Christ what a long fucking day this has been. I finished my work in the city and then went right to work in Williamsburg watching the door at the bar.

Nevermind the insanely long double shifts that I work every Friday, instead I'd like to take a second to teach bar-goers a little bit of bar etiquette.  First, never be rude to the door guy-- his (or her) job isn't 'easy' like you think it might be sitting in his (or her) seat looking pissed.  He's (or she's) not just looking pissed, he (or she, but from now on, I'll just refer to them as 'he' because this is ridiculous) is actually really fucking pissed off.

Imagine the worst night of your life where almost everybody that you talk to is unbelievably rude to you for no reason.  Also, imagine a night where tons of people try to get the better of you, or sneak around you, or otherwise just pull all kinds of strange shit.  Let's go over some of the things I see every single night.

Figure 1.

The "last guy".  Here's a hot tip for anyone that is just starting door at a bar-- when there is a group of people walking in that are together and all of them are JUST over 21, and the eighth and last person coming in starts acting bewildered by checking his pockets pulling some "Dude where is my wallet?" bullshit, he's under 21.  Lo and behold, all of his friends will begin to act like "Where did you leave it, was it at the last bar?" just instantly tell them no.  They'll all leave, knowing they've been defeated.  How convenient the last guy doesn't have his wallet, they are banking on the fact the rest of them are 21 or over and hoping you give the last guy a pass.  Don't do it, fuck that guy he's an asshole.

Figure 2.

"I don't look 21 to you?"  Anytime anyone says that and doesn't have an ID kick them the fuck out.  Not only is that annoying, but seriously those people are fucking assholes.  If they've ever been over 21 for more than a day they'd realize that almost all major bars card people when they're entering the bar.  Unless they legit look 50, tell them to go fuck themselves.  If they're over 18, then you can actually fuck them later, just don't let them in the bar.

Figure 3.

"My friend's wallet got stolen but she knows the bartender."  Yeah right, fuck you.  Go home and hopefully get raped.  Unless she really knows the bartender, but if it's a busy night she will understand when you don't go bother the bartender to confirm who she is.

Figure 4.

The "I'm ALMOST 21" fuckhole.  Lucky for these people I'm not the dictator of some fucked up country.  Every time someone comes in with an ID that clearly indicates they are under 21-- but will be in a few days, I want to kill them.  As if I'm seriously going to just neglect the duties and entire purpose of my job to be like, "Well, since you're so ridiculously close to 21 you might as well come in and enjoy our hospitality and drinks."  Seriously?  SERIOUSLY?  Die.

Figure 5.

"This is my friend, they're from Sweden and they don't have an ID but I vouch for them."  This is a gray area because if it is really someone you trust you might let them vouch for their friend, but 90% of the time it will be a total stranger vouching for a total stranger.  I let people vouch for others all the time, but they are regulars that I know would never fuck with me.  The minute random people start pulling this shit it's time to die.  Just respond: "Umm, excuse me while I go jack off" and then punch the voucher in the face.

For those of you thinking about starting a door job, here are some things to look out for:

• People wearing scarves. I don't trust anybody wearing a scarf period.  

• People from New Jersey.

• Drunk people (I know, right?)

• Homeless people

• Pussy seekers (they start more fights than anybody else)

• Pool players (next to pussy seekers, they start the most fights)

• Guidos (I'm Italian myself, but these guys suck balls)

You may notice that, as a door guy, you won't be throwing out too many women. The reason for that is because they lack testosterone.  When women get drunk they worry about how they're going to walk home in their heels and how they look slumped over the bar. 

You might realize that you've only been throwing out men.  That's because when men get drunk they only think about how they're going to fuck the girls walking home in the heels.  And they will seriously take it to the next level when they're wasted.  I've had women ask me on many occasions to tell certain men to stop kissing them unsolicited and other stupid shit like that, but trust me when I tell you that the minute you confront any guy with a complaint like that there will be bloodshed.  It's all ego with men, and every man on earth thinks he's the shit.  

Because of this fact, this person is going to offer you some serious resistance.  Make sure that when you are walking into a fucked up situation like this that you have adequate back-up.  Bring friends, hail some regulars, grab a bartender, it doesn't matter-- as long as you aren't going into it one-on-one your chances of a confrontation are greatly reduced.  It also never hurts to have a Mag-Light with you.

Also, it never hurts to initially come off as a total prick when people walk in-- it could circumvent any sort of altercation altogether.  This is why most bar-goers think doormen are lazy assholes, but it really actually helps.  You will find that when you are nice to the people that enter your bar that you later have an altercation with they will remember you as the nice, happy-faced motherfucker that gleefully checked their ID.  My best advice is to act like a dickhole to the men, and be whatever you feel like to the women.  As I said, women hardly ever cause problems aside from falling asleep or getting raped LOL. 

If I can offer one hot tip it would be to always remember back-up.  I can't stress this enough.  When I first started working this job I thought that it was my sole responsibility to handle bar issues on my own, only later to realize that this is near impossible when it comes to irrational drunkards.  It doesn't matter how big or small you are, if it is a one-on-one confrontation no drunk person will ever see you as threatening because in their brain they know they are the strongest motherfucker on earth.  You should NEVER be afraid to ask anybody and everybody you know around you to help you throw some fuckface out of your bar.  It's all about keeping the peace, yo.

Now it's time for me to go to bed, it's 5:30 in the morning and I've been awake for 20 hours.  I love you guys, we'll do this again soon.
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8/19/2011 | 12:12AM

Here's an early post for a Friday morning.  It's a fucking lame one so you can quit reading right now if you want something worth your time or live in Williamsburg.

I snapped a photo of Super Mario in Brooklyn.  He wasn't looking too good, in fact he seemed like he could die at any fucking second.  Regardless, here's the proof bitches.  Goodnight boys and girls, I'll be back again soon, probably TOO soon.
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08/18/2011

Holy fucking shit it's already Thursday you've got to be kidding me.  I feel like I've time travelled, but for good reason-- I've been getting fucked up quite a bit lately.  Last night was no exception, I'd be shocked if I could still get a boner at this point.

I have splendid news to report: As a reward for being the biggest cocksuckers on the planet, my buddy McOrgyDirector and I will be collaborating on a hip-hop track tentatively titled, "Suck Ten Dicks".  It might actually end up being called "How Many Dicks Can You Suck (In Ten Seconds)" but we're not sure yet.  If we can't decide we might just go with "Star Wars Party."

On a side note, my buddy McOrgyDirector has the nicest dick I've ever seen.  It's all around very solid and I can't say a single bad word about it.

Let's all get excited for tomorrow when I get to work a double from 9AM-6AM.  Goddamn I hate Fridays, but do you know what I don't hate?  My readers.  So keep coming back here to get eyefucked daily.

http://www.facebook.com/thenastybedazzler.  Click LIKE.
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08/17/2011

Who watched last Thursday's episode of Louie?  Those stand up acts were hilarious as shit.  Yeah I know, I'm late to the party but I was in fucking Baltimore all weekend.  

On a side note, Weeds and Breaking Bad kicked ass as usual, and True Blood was unbelievably gay as fuck (GAF).

Lastly, if you're going to take a moving escalator to wherever you gotta go, do the world a favor and fucking walk up or down it.  Don't just stand there like a piece of shit and block those people that aren't fat pieces of total crap <3.

This is my post for today, TV shows and escalators people.
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08/16/2011

As promised, here's The NastyBedazzler's full report of Insubordination Fest in Baltimore that took place between the dates of Thursday, August 11 through Saturday the 13th (a few pictures below, FYI).  The band line-up was solid with my brother and I attending the Thursday pre-show (it officially started at the Ottobar on Friday).  The line-up for the entire Fest can be found here, but also note that this is not a complete list.

The first highlight of Thursday was Direct Hit, followed by the uber fucking rad "Ramones Core" set from the band Young Hasslehoffs.  For me, Thursday night was less about the music and more about getting wasted as I wasn't 100% familiar with the line-up for this night.  The only band I was somewhat familiar with was Direct Hit, and only hardly.

Like Thursday, Friday night consisted of quite a few great performances by some bands I'm only semi-familiar with.  I found this to be the case throughout the entire 'fest, not like last year where I had anticipated seeing plenty of bands I fucking love like a total bitch (The Creeps, Off With Their Heads, The Visitors, The Hextalls, House Boat, The Steinways, etc).  Highlights included: 

• The Marshmallows (an all-girl group)

• Mixtapes (with members in the newly formed Gooningtons, more on that later), 

• Be My Doppleganger (saw them in Brooklyn, got a free record and shirt)

• The Firecrackers (this chick singer was adorable and the music was catchy)

• Dopamines (I've seen them two or three times, every time kicks ass)

• Mikey Erg (a solo set with him and an electric guitar)

It was rumored that the Gooningtons would be performing a "surprise" set at the end of the Mikey Erg performance, although that didn't take place on Friday.  I also bought my unbelievably fashionable yellow Insubordination Fest shirt on Friday. 

Proceeding the show Friday my brother and I visited another bar nearby to play pinball and further our intoxication efforts.  From this point, after playing Ripley's Believe It Or Not pinball for awhile and listening to the bartender's choice of the Downward Spiral (nice one, dude), we began talking to a couple of guys also hanging out there.  After discussing Nine Inch Nails and how they totally suck now compared to what they used to be they invited my brother and I back to their place to keep drinking.  

Like total fags we accepted the invitation from these two strange dudes, got into a cab (that they paid for) and was driven way out to the middle of nowhere.  The moment we arrived at their warehouse (that they were probably squatters at) I immediately got the feeling that my bro and I were about to get raped & crepe'd so I wanted to get the fuck out of there.  They did, however, own a really cute cat which could be construed as weird but whatever-- I like cats.  Here's a pic.

We asked the guys for directions home from their place and they gave us the most vague description of how to get home EVER.  They legit told us this: "Go left out of here and walk until you come to a cross street and go left."  They had completely left out the fact that we would be walking on a dark, fucked-up road surrounded by trees and nothing else for over an hour.  The entire time we trekked back not a single car passed us, essentially the entire situation felt extremely sketchy.

As we walked we passed some pretty cool attractions, one was an abandoned subway train parked on the top of a hill.  I would have liked to check it out if it wasn't four in the morning, but at that time there was probably bums and serial killers lurking about so we let it be.  As we walked further we came across an abandoned train depot with a myriad of abandoned trains littered around it.  We checked this shit out and snapped a few kickass pictures (I'll probably post them once I get them).  The entire place felt extremely dangerous (and probably haunted) so we moved out of there fairly quick.  We eventually found a cross street and it took us back into a recognizable part of Baltimore, and two miles later we were back at the hotel.

Finally, Saturday was not your typical, garden-variety suck 'n fuck by any means.  We woke up around 10AM and got a free continental breakfast that sucked (but WAS free), then immediately began drinking.  There were tons of good bands that played on Saturday, highlights include:

• Quarintines

• Sun Puddles

• Karmellas Game

• The Gooningtons (With two members of Mixtapes and Grath and     Mikey Erg from House Boat)

• Murderburgers

• Max Levine Ensemble

• House Boat (bought these guys shots during their set, got a shout out)

• Dear Landlord

The Gooningtons were the surprise band this year and, even though their album is only eight minutes long, performed a very good and catchy set.  I'm also pretty sure that I missed the Copyrights and Chixdiggit because I got way too fucking wasted and had to go home via cab.  My brother insisted we drink Four Loko's and Mad Dog 20/20 and we both got hammered.  At least I had the foresight to leave after Dear Landlord-- my brother decided to stay and ended up falling asleep on a brick wall outside the venue.  If you're familiar with Baltimore you would know that there is a high probability that this will result in a mugging or an epic raping, lucky for him neither of these happened.  He did, however, get woken up by the cute chick from The Firecrackers and she helped him on his way and assisted him with a cab.  

Sunday resulted in a very hungover, tiring ride home.  Now it's back to work and hopefully back to work on the Fuckboi video.  Jesus Christ people, I hope to have this thing done by the end of the year at this point.

Well, until next year's Insubordination Fest I'll be satisfied for now.  Overall it was a good time and, as it was just my brother and I this year, it was the most I had drank in a long time.  Bottoms up fuckers.

PICS:

Mikey Erg

Mikey Erg 2

My Brother Planking

A Dead Mouse
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08/15/2011

Back from a pretty drunken three days at Insubordination Fest.  Shit, man.  I don't have time to post about it now, but rest assured come tonight or tomorrow I will be posting a proper update with all the details and my thoughts on the bands that played.
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08/11/2011

The day has finally arrived and Insubordination Fest is a go!  I probably won't be posting much to my official page (lack of internet access) though I should be posting updates to my Twitter feed quite regularly (see the Twitter feed on the right?  Or you can follow me on Twitter @nastybedazzler).

The excitement is killing me, it was impossible to not check in to Porn Hub and release some of this pent up energy.  Four days of getting wasted and listening to kickass punk bands. and oh yeah, NOT WORKING.

Hopefully I see some of you freaks there!

Details on the show HERE.
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08/10/2011

Looks like I've completed quite a bit of cosmetic changes to the website today.  For starters, I've made this blog portion a LOT bigger to accommodate all the pointless shit I have to say.  I've also updated my contacts (like that matters) and moved some things around.  Most of you probably wouldn't notice because most of you have never been here before.

In other news, I have to piss worst than I've had to in some time and yet I'm too lazy to get up from my seat to go.  I hate these shared bathrooms we have at work-- they are cockroach infested pieces of shit.  I also hate slow/fat/homeless people in the subway.  On the bright side, yesterday morning I was the only guy on a train loaded with unbelievably hot chicks (I was like "Only in New York LOL").  I've since dubbed that train "the PussyHyperBlast Express".  I'll try to get on that train again on my way home, and hopefully get off HA HAHDFAKLfjdflsdja GET IT?  fuck you.

That's it for the updates today.  Tomorrow I'll be leaving for Insub Fest in Baltimore, I expect it to deliver the ass-kicking/licking of a lifetime.  I'll write about it here eventually.  Or you can check out my random Tweets throughout the weekend.  I'm going to get REALLY drunk and probably piss myself.  I'll also probably get mugged because Baltimore is known to be a bit of a shithole.  Peace out, bitches.
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08/09/2011

Who knew that animating a music video could be so goddamned tedious?  Furthermore, work has been temporarily suspended as I attempt to rectify this unbelievably hideous situation I have now been inadvertently thrust into by installing Apple's new operating system, Lion.  A word of caution readers, if you don't like bullshit you should probably avoid this holocaust of an OS-- as I've said before it's like it was created by retards, for retards.  

In the mean time, I'm backing up all my stuff and going to reinstall Snow Leopard.  Hopefully I don't lose all my progress on this video or there will be hell to pay.  I DO live in New York City, and there ARE tons of bums waiting around for a random act of violence, something I'd like to believe I'm not above committing.

Anyone looking for more up-to-date information you can always visit my Twitter: www.twitter.com/nastybedazzler, though I will make an honest attempt to update this site more often because, obviously, I'd like more people to come here.

And lastly, Insub Fest in Baltimore (a wonderfully amazing punk festival) begins in two days... who's goin'?
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07/21/2011

Here's a slight update.  The video for Fuckboi is now well underway, I am 1:30 seconds into it, leaving only 2 minutes to go!  I hope to have this bitch wrapped up by the end of July, it's gonna be huge motherfuckers!
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07/12/2011

Welcome to the official home of the NastyBedazzler!  This page is brand new and created by me so naturally it sucks balls. Anyway, find what you want and get the fuck out. You should probably visit me on Facebook or Twitter or something, those sites suck less worse than this one.

Did you check out the Fuckboi video on YouTube (nevermind, its not done yet)?  Did you love it?  You can buy the new EP by clicking the iTunes link above, or the album cover below.
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